In love with best friend Hi, I hope to get some advice from people who may have faced some part of my situation. It's a little difficult for me to even write about since voicing out that one is gay is a religious and cultural sin in my country. I recently moved to the US, but I know I never will follow-up on my instincts - it's just a religious thing with me. I am a pretty much happy person except for the nagging realization that I will never be with someone since I don't want to marry a guy and can't be with a woman and I have kind of accepted it. Here's the problem - stupidly enough (well I couldn't help it) I have fallen hopelessly for a very very close friend and she has no idea. It's creating a lot of problems for me because I know that we are just friends and we have separate lives (not one life as it would be with a couple)...BUT..I keep forgetting that and get upset about it. I'm in a really weird situation where I have been tempted to tell her but don't want to lose a friend either...I would appreciate any advice. Would appreciate it if the jokers stay off from replying. Thank you.

Live honestly & openly Hi! I have been in a similar situation as you many times. I was raised in a family that was not accepting of gay people, (religious thing as well), & I lived in secrecy. I inevitably fell in love with best friends throughout my teens & twenties, but I never told any of them how I felt. It was a horrible torture. I eventually came to a place of acceptance & I told my best friend how I felt 4 years ago. Things were very rocky at first & we did a lot of talking things out, but eventually we decided that we did have feelings for each other & we were together for 4 years, (just recently broke up, though). About a month ago, a friend of mine told me she had feelings for me & that did not go well because I don't reciprocate those feelings. Our friendship became awkward, but I was glad that she told me. So, my advice to you would be to live your live honestly & openly and accept yourself for who you are & don't let some antiquated religion make you feel good or bad about yourself. Try to determine if your friend shares your feelings. I'd start with letting her know that you think you might be gay and see how she reacts/responds. If she truly is your friend, she will appreciate your honesty and love you for who you are. If she is not a true friend, you will be hurt for awhile, but better off without her in your life. But most importantly, you will feel good about yourself for being true to yourself & your feelings! Good luck!

Good advice. Live honestly, openly and be true to yourself. Nothing hurts more than hiding in a closet and not being who you really are.

Good Advice I agree with Zip6.

Re: aloha ladies My thougths exactly

it is quite possible you would be helped if you actually have a relationship with a woman. You are madly in love partly because you are unfulfilled. I am not saying getting a girlfriend would cure of of your crush but it could help. It helped me, and I was impossibly in love with my best friend for years. Telling her ended up being kind of horrible I am sorry to say. And this was not the only time, it seems like at any point in my life I had a crush on a close friend. But now that I finally started having relationship with women I stopped falling for my straight friends—quite a relief. I suspect this will keep happening to you till you get into fulfilling relationship with a woman and face up to who you are.

if you cannot face being rejected by your family and your culture in general, why not marry a gay guy from your culture, make families happy, and get a GF on the side? He can get a BF and you can be best possible room-mates. it is not ideal, but people have been doing for centuries. It seems to me lots of immigrants from very conservative countries do that: It is as if the family just cared about keeping up appearances and once married no one will pry into details. My heart goes out to you. This is hard enough for americans from conservative families, but they do not lose entire culture/nation when their family rejects them, it is worse for you. Is your friend you are in love with form your culture as well? If she is, you are even less likely to tell her what you feel, no? Seems like that would perhaps be a bad idea. You cannot live your entire life a lie, and without being loved. If you have to lie to your family, get a community of people where you can be yourself.

you got it right Yes she is from the same culture...we went to med school together without barely noticing each other but became friends after graduation.We spent a year at our college working on the same project and taking exams and then came to the US last year. You really have hit the nail on the head about how I feel. I keep wishing that I was straight or been born a guy. It's really been hitting me for the past few months when I actually sat down and analyzed why although I have a lot of male friends I never could imagine a life with any of them. I kept thinking (hoping rather) it's a personality clash or I would just shove away the thought. Now since I live alone and not with my family, I realize that a lot of people my age are getting married (I am 28)and as one gets older one tends to lose touch with a lot of acquaintances as everyone gets wrapped up in their own lives. Although I am really busy now with my career and friends and just weekend trips - it's not goig to last or be fulfilling enough. I really am very happy now and I know that I will be happy even if I don't tell her. I just feel that I would be more content if I could share everything with her. It's not about a physical relationship - just very spiritual I guess. Even if it worked out (fat chance) we would never be able to tell anyone. We are both doctors so imagine the circles we run in - even people in the US aren't completely accepting of homosexuality especially the elite professionals. Your idea about the marriage of convenience is a real one - and frankly my back up (even if I never indulge my darker tendencies) :) kinda bleak but hey what the hell.,,sorry about the long tirade..I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you everyone for the advice and support.

can you really resign yourself to celibacy forever, for religious reasons? If you can get around the cultural ones? *you* don't actually believe that it would be *wrong* to have a real GF —have a physical relationship with a woman, do you? You refer to it as a "darker tendencies"? I am pretty worried about you sharing your feelings with a woman form the same background. You have had so much time to think about it, since it is you. She has probably never given a serious thought to how she feels about homosexuality, other than what comes from her culture. You should at least prepare the field by talking to her about homosexuality in general to see how she feels, before you roll out how you feel about her. Are you prepared for possible violent rejection? This could be devastating. Be an American already and expect happiness and love. This is now your culture, and you can fight for what is right and right for you. Accept yourself and date women, don't tell your family if you cannot lose them. Then your hopeless crushes on friends will vanish (a fair chance anyhow)

I guess I'll have to If I didn't have religious inhibitions than I wouldn't think it's wrong - it's not the norm ofcourse - but what's wrong with 2 people being together if they are happy. It's about sharing your life with someone and what does it really matter who it is with - right? So to answer your questions - I think it's wrong but it's also right on some level. :( I'm a mess at the moment. As far as sharing my thoughts with her - I am worried about that too. It's really not a good idea and it's not going to happen. Maybe you guys are right and I might just get over it if I date - I still have to acccept it and clear my own head and decide what direction I should take. It's really difficult for me to even post on this forum. I hope I see some light soon.

Don't be afraid to seek professional help. For many people with cultural taboos against homosexuality, counseling or therapy is incredibly helpful. Just be sure to find a gay/lesbian friendly therapist.

Husband on the side, then, really. On the side. SIde dish. Side of the road. Another roadside attraction. Which side of the fence. Which side are you on. Walking down the road, side by side. Sidecar. Sidereal.