the answers are out there and by out there i mean within you. you might get better results from someone who knows what she wants.

For me, it would not be. But the answer to that question is different for everyone. Are you ready to deal with someone who may go back to penis? Are you ready to deal with not being out in public? Perhaps not being acknowleged to this person's family and friends? Some people are, some people are not.

i have thought about it i do not fear her going back to someone with a penis. the gender she is with doesn't matter. the crux of the matter would be that she isn't with me. i am prepared to deal with her not being with me. it is hard but we always knew it was a possibility she wasn't gay. we have been out enough in the last 5 weeks that i know it is likely we would be fully out eventually. i see her struggle with how she chooses to compartmentalize her behaviors. she is the one who struggled with that. i saw it but said nothing at the time but she brought it up and apologized and kicked herself. as for family, she wants to be sure of herself first. she has no problem coming out to them but wants to have a defendable position. if she is uncertain, there is no way she feels she could defend it.

Well then it sounds like it works for you.

Do you honestly think you COULD have listened to your friends and ignored your heart? Man, if you could then you're stronger than I am. I know damned well my heart is going to lead me into pain, heartbreak, and depression, but I follow allong like a little lost puppy every time she decides it's time to get herself broken again. Have to admit, the pain sucks, but getting there is a blast! Her brain is a problem- rather, the collective insensitivity and idiocy of the people who insist that ours is not a valid or acceptable type of love, they are the problem. She may eventually come around, but the possibility also exists that, when she does, it may not be with you. I would advise spending a lot of time in gay-circles, where it is common to see two men or two women together. Eventually, after seeing it so much and getting to know people as people, rather than as symbols of some sort of perverse or abnormal lifestyle, the shock wears off and a sense of normality sets in. I dated a gal who advertised on CL once. It was a blind date, and we didn't click, and she gave as her reason for not wanting to pursue anything further the fact that she thinks she is a straight girl with a lesbian fetish. Now, I think she was just being nice, and trying to find a way of saying "thanks but no thanks" without offending me, personally. But I have since seen her in a lesbian bar, and I suspect that the more time she spends with lesbians, the more comfortable she'll become in how she identifies. She may always be bisexual- not being bisexual myself, I cannot claim to understand that desire, so I don't know if it's "legitimate," as some insist, or "a cop out, " as others insist. Inasmuch as I don't know any better, I choose to assume it to be a legitimate state of attraction that defies my understanding. In that case, she may actually need dick, and if that's the case, you may have to move on. But, if it's simply a socially contrived situation, where she never allowed herself to explore her lesbian interests because society told her that was uncool, then exposure to the normality of the lesbian scene might be helpful to both of you. There's my two bucks, adjusted for inflation...

that's more like 20 bucks

Everyone's a critic....(sigh)

speaking of critics i think that is exactly how my friends were about it but no, i could not have listened to them at the expense of what my heart knew it could feel for this woman. the thing about it is that the love and intimacy we have has been more intense than I have had with any of my recent lesbian-identified girlfriends. now we are realizing that love is not enough. your suggestion to hang out where lesbians are the norm is a great one. now that i think about it, she does have some stereotypes about who a lesbia is. i was different from what she expected and since we have met she has seen happy lesbian couples and friends just hanging out. but i agree, she does need to see more.

Well, speaking for msyelf, I have to admit that I was a little freaked out by the lesbian scene when I came out. Now, it's old hat, and the sight of a same-sex couple is so common to me that it almost doesn't register unless I'm in Iowa or something. Same thing with my family and friends- they were weirded out the first few times I brought a girlfriend over, but now it's just part of life, and no one even thinks twice about it. Even our hyper-religious neighbors, who would totally vote against my right to marry, seemed to accept my partners once they knew them as people, and not symbols. But I still wish I had burned a triangle in their yard before they moved...(kidding)

msyelf....myself...whatever

she definitely is somewhat freaked out by it. she constantly talks about the difference in her hetero world. our "family" ways puzzle her too. we tend to be all up in each other's business. lesbians know a lot about each other and share and talk about very personal things that people in her world are too PC to do. so yeah, our world is freaky for her. i know it will take time. she expecetd that she would know by now tho. just like other things in her life, she felt sitting and logiy approaching it would solve this already. but when the answers eluded her she couldn't believe that such a basic part of who she is has suddenly become a mystery. to make it worse, her attraction to men has reduced and she will use the word "messy" with regards to the THOUGHT of sex with them. but she may need to try it again to see if that is what she really feels.

Hell, I didn't figure it out until I was in my late x's, so there's no telling when something like that will finally sink in. But, I never really had an attraction for men...more like a tolerance (and a slim one at that). Still, the thought of being with a woman was a bit freaky, until I did it, and then I knew there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be. Everyone gets to these things differently, and in their own time.

Actually... I'm historiy hetero and other than having a few gay friends and spending very little time on the gay scene, I would say I'm comfortable being labeled whatever you want to label me. I just happen to be crazy about a girl, f off if you don't like it, ya know? On the other hand, the crazy girl that I'm crazy about spends far more time on both the gay/lesbian scene and is freaking out over us being so attached on almost a dauly basis. I'm just saying, ya never know.

True enough...depends on so many factors, right?